"English! Mother F#$%^! Do you speak it?"

So here's the deal. We, and by we I mean the vast majority of Americans, speak English. For a quick definition of the English Language, we turn to the ever trustworthy and oh so scholastic wikipedia.

West Germanic language originating in England and is the first language for most people in the United Kingdom, the United States, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Ireland and the Anglophone Caribbean. It is used extensively as a second language and as an official language throughout the world, especially in Commonwealth countries and in many international organizations.

Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_language, 25 August 08.

Alright now with that being said. I don't feel that anyone, let alone someone without several advanced degrees in English, has the right or ability to change the English Language. I am sick of people butchering the language we speak. It doesn't make you cool or hip, it makes you ignorant. Are you seriously that busy that you can't take the extra half second and half calorie it takes to extend your pinky to the shift key, and/or the apostrophe?

I am speaking mainly to the masses who type the numeral 2 instead of to or too. And the people who replace U for you. Etc. I'm sure you see my point. So let me quickly cover the most atrocious errors I notice.

Stuff you should have learned in elementary school: A grammar lesson from Zac
- I, is a pronoun representing yourself, you should always capitalize it.
- You, to, and too, are words not letters and not numerals, please spell it out.
- Contractions are when two words are joined by an apostrophe. For example, He is fast could also be He's fast. Hes Fast, might as well be someone's name.
- Apostrophes can also show ownership.
- Also two words: subject verb agreement. GET INTO IT!

And finally you are not cool when you abbreviate words. Expend all that brainpower and energy by actually saying "Just Kidding". There are more painful examples of abbreviations but I'd rather not get into it right now, because my brain will start to swell and my heart will start to hurt for the sad state of the youth of today.

So please, respect the English language. And I leave you with this adapted and paraphrased quote from the Big Lebowski's own Walter Sobchak, who originally said, "Three thousand years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax... You're GD right I'm living in the past."

"250 plus years of grammar and syntax, good enough for everyone from Abe Lincoln and George Washington to Ernest Hemingway and Sandy Koufax, is good enough for me."